Universal Language
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: America inadvertently brings about world peace.


Universal Language, by Dickfart

"Wait!" said America, picking up the orange turd called Donald Trump with a Walmart grocery bag and tossing it into the garbage. "Let's start over. We really shouldn't be fighting."

"You started it," said Russia.

"Bollocks," said England. "America is an incompetent twat and spoiled rotten, but he did not start this. The stupid buggar's only five hundred some odd years, for fucks sake!"

"Well then, I stand corrected. You started it," said Russia, knocking back his seventh shot of vodka.

"I most certainly did NOT, you... you maniacal cesspot!"

"Actually, England, you did," said France. "You were so intimidated by my beauty and my majestic erect _le zob_ that you had no choice but to... expand yourself."

"YOU EXPANDED JUST AS HARD, YOU SODDING TOSSER! NOW LEAN YOUR TOWER ELSEWHERE!"

"But guys," said America. "Listen. Erect though we may be, we shouldn't fight..."

"I expanded once," said Austria, ignoring America outright. "Deep into Hungary's moist _schamlippen_. Those were the days."

"Oh you," said Hungary, blushing deeply.

"I surrendered!" said Italy.

"That's old news, dear," said Germany, rubbing Italy's thigh. "America, you ought to be ashamed. Have you learned nothing of our past errors?"

"Yes!" said America. "I'm telling you, we shouldn't fight! We need to start expanding, but in a different way."

"Consensually!" said China and South Korea, glaring daggers at Japan. Japan thought to himself _roba to sekkusu suru_ while tinkering with Kingdom Hearts III. H

"You don't expand for my team, though," said Russia. "You even accuse me of hacking your Internet websites and imposing turds upon you."

"YOU DID!" every country, except America, belted at once.

"Yes, it's all MY fault," said Russia, rolling his eyes. "It couldn't possibly be any of YOU."

"That's ancient history..."

"ONE HUNDRED YEARS ISN'T ANCIENT HISTORY! IT'S RECENT HISTORY! IT'S YESTERDAY! _BRED SIVOY KOBYLY_!"

"Guys..." said America, tears rolling down his cheeks. He placed a pistol to his head. "Please help. I'm so confused and depressed."

"Come off it, America," said England. "You're no victim. You're barely out of diapers and look at the mess you've created in Iraq and Syria! Not to mention creating nuclear weapons. Why, you're as diabolical as Russia! Why, if you were still mine you would be grounded for a thousand years! Or worse! Sent to live with France."

"But he's not," said France, just to piss England off even more. England tossed a burnt crumpet at him and missed.

"That's not the point!" England spat. "The point is, you need to put that gun down and grow up! You have an obligation to fix this mess with the rest of us. You're a world super power. Now ACT like one!"

"Please don't shoot," said Canada, on the verge of tears. "You're our friend. You hold us together. If you pull that trigger, it'll be the end of us all."

"Not me," said Russia, smirking. "By the way, none of you heard me say that."

"WE ALL HEARD YOU SAY THAT."

"I didn't," said America, the gun still pressed firmly to his temple.

"Maybe you should open your listening ears," said England. "And for fucks sake, put that gun DOWN. We've told you they're not toys!"

"America-san. I've done well without guns," said Japan. "I suggest you listen to your _baishunpu_."

"He's right, for once," said South Korea.

"I'm supposed to be the melting pot," said America. "That was my purpose, and I've lost that. I've lost what it means to be me. My existence is meaningless. I cannot answer what it is that unites this entire world. I've been plagued with Stage 4 Glioblastoma, otherwise known as the Conservative Republican Party. I'll be dead within a week. Please forgive me. I just want the pain to go away."

"You can fight this!" urged Canada, crying tears of maple. "We are countries! All Right-wing fascists lose eventually. They always do! Just look at Italy."

"One of mine inspired Super Mario Brothers!" said Italy, high-fiving Japan.

"I'm afraid... I cannot help anymore," said America, and then he pulled the trigger.

It went click. It was a dud.

Fuck.

America stared out into a room filled with every country in the world, eyes upon him, braced for the death of the melting pot.

Instead of dying, though, America let rip one massive fart. One that billowed his red, white, and blue jacket. It burst forth with hurricane force, toppling coastal cities up the lower eastern seaboard and twisting around to the third hairy nipple known as Ohio. The event would forever be known as Hurricane Naruto, named for America's favorite anime. It smelt of ramen and dead fish dattebayo.

Japan was the first to clap. Then China. Then France. Reluctantly Germany joined the applause. Italy clapped with tears in his eyes. England gave them all incredulous looks, but when he noticed that scowl on Russia's face, he smirked and clapped, too. He totally wasn't crying and inspired over it. Soon every country was clapping, roaring loudly, and every country who had to fart did so. They farted and farted. Hurricane force winds killed hundreds of millions, and floods, earthquakes, and mudslides took place worldwide for a spell. Solar flares made contact with the farts, erupting into the most awesome fire show known to history. Everyone who wasn't dead ooo'd and aww'd. The room was way too hot and the icecaps melted, but for the first time in history, everyone spoke a common language in flatulence. Farts brought about world peace.

Meanwhile, a lone, orange turd, whose name everyone had already forgotten, dried and crumbled away, all alone in the world's trash can. Not even flies wanted to hang around it.

" _Po'shyol 'na hui_ , and thanks for nothing," said Russia, spitting into that trash can. He was the last to join the whirlwind of farts, but when he did, he was the happiest country ever.

The End


End file.
